MANDOG REPORT FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE
That's right. I planned to live forever, but I died. Such is life.
My name is Rob Afton. I lived a good life. Now Im in heaven, with the angels. How did I get here? Let me tell you a story.
It all began in a park. Me and my three best friends were going to get some books from a town. We knew who they belonged to but not where they lived. I owe a lot of money to some people and pretty much have to do what they say. Never one to miss the simple pleasures, the first thing I did was play on the slide. It was a wet and wild ride.
My friend Batts met a kid and got hit by him. This child knocked him flat on his ass. Hilarious.
He went off with our mutual teenage friend Dagan. What a good kid. Anyway, I went with Bobby B! Tha Man! BOBBY! We tried a random house first. I bumped into the car and the alarm went off so I had to book it! Meanwhile, Bobby B, Tha Man, he went to the door and did me a solid by leading this guy off my trail, telling him I went elsewhere. Some old guy. He was probaly a racist.
We kinda split up, and I had to go it alone. I had a plan! Im skilled with the fairer sex, as an empath, I mean, so I found a nice lady and introduced myself. She was charmed right away and invited me over to play cards. We had a very deep conversation about spirituality, politics. Fuck small talk, am I right? Just kidding, weather is important. Anyway, I left without incident. She was a real angel but she really loved her mushroom rug. It was a cool rug, dont get me wrong, but wow, she really fussed over it. I moved it slightly and she put it right back. LOL! Almost like she had a trap door under there. But angels dont have secrets.
I kinda played it cool for a bit. I am a friendly guy and a people person so I walk with the knowledge that strangers dont exist - just friends we havent made yet.
When I met up with my friends again we had found the house with the books! Man! What a crazy house. They had taxidermy in the GARBAGE! Beautiful pieces, too, I mean real lifelike. What a waste. If I werent after those books I woulda grabbed a squirrel for my mantlepiece.
When we went in there, people were kind of upset due to a misunderstanding. I kept my cool and just went off to a quiet room. I get overwhelmed sometimes when people are fighting and I was glad to find a woman to talk to. Did I mention Im a ladies man. She was no angel, but we cant all fly with God. After a brief exchange I left out the window.
And that's where I saw it. A monstrosity. I believe in miracles and I believe that life is precious but this thing was an abomination. I keep a lucky grenade on my person at all times, and I knew it was time to give it up. So I lobbed it at the thing! I know what youre thinking: Really? A grenade? Why not talk to it first? If you were in my position you wouldve done the same. Trust.
Well, this thing it killed me faster than you can say "Spiritual Healing." And I died. But you know what? I died without a single want or desire. I had a good, clean life. And that's all we can ask for.
If youre ever in Heaven, hit me up. It's a good place to be.